Respite

It's very common for carers to be offered 'respite'. Typically, the person they care for will spend a night, or some night(s), in a care home so that the carer can have a day or few days respite from the demands of caring.

I haven't done this yet but since S has been given Continuing Healthcare funding I could easily do it in the future. There's a specific budget available. But, and this is something that you have perhaps to experience to appreciate fully, even now I find that my efforts to do more, get out and see friends etc are limited by my need to know that S is OK - even though I know that she is being well looked-after. There's almost a time-limit sometimes - I feel the pull and have to come home. Even though I talk about longer respite - even a single overnight away e.g. - I currently find it hard to imagine myself doing that. She still depends on me - I've kept her going. And as a result, I'm somehow dependent on her.

I think I might well eventually come to accept that extended respite, i.e. beyond a weekly 'evening off', will be necessary but I also feel that the difficulty that many carers have in accepting this is underestimated.

Do what works

Online, someone asked how best to help their partner who has dementia. All kinds of approaches are explained and championed. How do you decide what to do for the best?

I would say be pragmatic. Do what works for you and your partner. You have to give it a fair trial of course, no point in giving up the first time it goes wrong.

The most important thing to remember when thinking about all the issues around caring for someone with dementia is 'everybody is different' . People often pay lip-service to the truth of this statement then these same people go on to make sweeping generalisations about people with dementia. We can certainly learn from people in similar situations, but we can't just treat the person we care for exactly as some guru, authority figure or other genuine carer tells us to. Well, we can, but if we do we are setting ourselves up for failure and frustration.